Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
