My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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