well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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