that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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