im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
