I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Text me some of your sweat
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
