Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
