Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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