Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
