Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
