YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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