btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
