They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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