Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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