I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
