Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
