I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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