but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
