I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
