Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
