After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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