I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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