It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
