we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
