My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You were trust falling into bushes
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
