If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Randomize
