I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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