I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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