dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
well I can't set my house on fire every night
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
