I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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