Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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