ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
