your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
