he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
