Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
