i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I need to wash the frat house off of me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
