Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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