I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
