I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
