I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
