I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
