Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
