Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
