Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
