It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
