I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
