You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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