woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
