Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Im part way to drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
