my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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