is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
